How to Foster Relationships with Students
By Lauren Conner
Do you ever look at your class and wonder how you are going to make it through the school year?
Sometimes it can seem like the thirty students staring at us on a daily basis are put in our classrooms to derail our plans and make us regret our life choices. However, those students are likely the ones who need you the most. Before you give up, throw in the towel, and change career paths, consider this advice:
Build relationships
Every teacher and school employee has heard about the importance and magic of building relationships with students, and we have all heard the science and research behind relationships. Rarely, however, are there actionable steps given on HOW to build relationships. The following four steps should help to get you started.
Make an effort to understand where each student comes from
This can be an overwhelming and heart-wrenching task depending on the class. I have found that most of the time students want to be known and seen, and they are willing to share their life details. Typically, within the first few weeks of school, I will ask a simple question, “Is there anything you want me to know about you?” I usually get written responses explaining home situations that I would have never guessed had I not asked the question.
I remember one year asking the question and having my brightest student tell me that his dad had just moved the family across the country, he had no friends, and his parents were in a nasty custody battle. I would have never known had he not confided in that journal prompt. Throughout the year I was able to help him make friendships, and I could check in with him. There were times where he couldn’t turn in work even though he knew how to do it, and because I had made an effort, he was willing to confide in me. We were able to work out alternate assignment deals which allowed us both to feel successful. Every person has a story, be willing to learn what your students’ stories are.
Make an effort to be interested in what each student is interested in
Sometimes this task might feel exhausting, so start with your quiet students.
I had a student who didn’t speak to me for the first two months of class because she had learned not to trust adults due to hard circumstances in her life. Finally, I got a clue and began asking what she did after school. At first, I got one-word answers. “Skatepark” was all she would say. The next day I would ask about the skatepark. “Did you learn any new tricks?” “Did you wreck yesterday?” Finally, by the end of the year, the student was volunteering answers in class, had passing grades, and was speaking to me. The effort it took on my end was slightly time-consuming, but the result was tremendous.
Be interested in your students’ interests.
Be willing to have authentic conversations
Sometimes our students need to feel like they are not just “kids in a classroom”.
I had a student who was one of my most difficult students to date. The student had learned survival and coping mechanisms that were not safe or appropriate for school, and oftentimes would be kicked out of my class.
Once, while having a conversation, the student mentioned that their father had just been released from prison, again. I decided to make a bold move and ask the student how it made them feel. The student went on to tell me all about how disappointed they were and how they never wanted to turn out like their father. I was able to then turn the discussion into a positive conversation on what the student wanted in life. We were able to revisit the conversation throughout the year when the student would make poor choices, and compare the choices with the student’s goals. It helped our relationship and it helped the student to be more successful
Be consistent in the expectations and consequences
Every student needs boundaries and consistent rules. While this isn’t a “touchy-feely” strategy, it is one of the most effective strategies I have found for building relationships.
When students know what is expected of them, and they know the logical consequences following their actions, they are more likely to trust you. While this seems counterintuitive and feels like it might never work, students who know what to expect feel safe in the classroom. When a student feels safe they are able to trust the adult in the classroom and trust is a huge relationship building block.
Several years ago I had a GATE student who consistently pushed boundaries and was rather mouthy. When she figured out that the consequences and boundaries didn’t change, she and I were able to build a strong relationship and work through some issues the student had. The student ended up being one of my best students, but it took time and consistency to reach that point.
While there isn’t a magic formula for building relationships, even our most difficult students can benefit from their teacher simply taking the time to acknowledge them.
Building relationships takes time and effort, and may not come naturally. However, building relationships is always worth it in the long run, both for you and for the student.
